i am a CRANKY BASTARD lately. i don't want to talk to anyone. i am snippy and short and annoyed at you if you try. actually, that's not entirely true; the only people i want to talk to are jon and ____, and unfortunately i think ____ has fucked off (which is not helping a damned thing, really.) everyone else can go fuck off themselves; i just want to sort things out in my head which is also terrible because it leaves me too much time to think. and so i think and mull and stew and ponder and stress and fester and generally be a mess. and a CRANKY BASTARD. can't forget that. i can't be given time to think.

so i go out and drink and socialize and pass out and wake up and go to work and go back out and drink and i haven't done laundry in over a month and oh shit i need to buy cat food.

every time i think i'm getting my life together, i start ripping it apart again.

i think this is because the life i'm putting together is never really mine.



somebody asked me why, asked me twice, and i couldn't answer either time. i had to just close my eyes and not voice all the nonsense that's running around my head. i like you; i don't want you to see how crazy i really am.